Black and Blue

Last week, I grabbed my phone and pulled up the song Black and Blue by the Counting Crows.  The last time I heard that song I was sitting on my living room floor, knees tucked under my chin, with tears streaming down my face. 

Although the song may appear to be about suicide, it's really not. It's about someone who is very fragile, and end of their rope. Someone who feels so empty ... so tired ... so ... nothing. Just nothing and sad. 

At least that's how I felt.  A tear-streaming, heart-aching pain that you can't completely quantify because it's not on the outside, it's coming from the depths of you, deep down inside. And because it's not a cut, or a bruise, it doesn't heal like a normal wound. It stays. It just is. It becomes you, and your identity is now wrapped up in this pain that you can't see or fix.  The person that you used to be, now so small and fragile, is tucked into this little corner of yourself, not knowing how you are going to breathe your next breath because everything just hurts. Everything is a struggle. It's exhausting, and it feels like it will never end. 

Fast forward a few anti-depressant filled years.

I have never been a faithful church goer.  I always felt a pull towards God, especially in difficult times, but once my husband and I got engaged, we felt it was important to find a church to belong to.  I pushed for it, maybe because I felt like it meant more to be married in a church. Like we would have a better shot at staying married? I have no idea where that logic came from, but nevertheless, we started our search.

I don't think either of us were prepared, or quite frankly even looking, for Jesus to enter our lives when we started looking for a church.  We believed that God existed, but didn't know Him or His Word. We tried a few services at a few different churches, but we just didn't feel comfortable. We finally found a small church, and for the first time we were hearing the Bible, not only preached, but explained so well. It was really amazing. 

We had been going to this church for a couple of months, and I remember it was Christmas time because the tree was up. White lights were twinkling, red ornaments singing. At the end of the service, the pastor talked about making Jesus Lord of your life. He also invited anyone with physical ailments, or those in need of prayer, to come up to the front of the church to be prayed over.

He had extended this invitation in the past, but for the first time I felt my eyes welling up, and before I knew it, I was walking up, past the Christmas tree, to the front of the church. I fell to my knees and I sobbed. I couldn't open my eyes or lift my head, I just sobbed. I don't know if that was when I got saved, but I remember that moment so vividly.  The pain I had been carrying for so long, the pain that was so deep inside that I was trying to hide from the world just came rushing out. And even though there was a whole church full of people, at that moment I felt like the room was empty, and it was just me and Jesus. 

I started reading the Bible. I started praying to God, and getting to know Him.  The more I got to know Him, the more I wanted to know. I became enamored by this love ... a love so strong for me, that He would send His own Son to die in my place. I really don't understand this love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but being loved that way has helped me love others better. I am a better wife, a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, all because of this love that, similar to the pain I once felt, comes from the deepest depths of who we are. 

This is a story that I have never told even my family or closest friends.  God is the only one who knows this story. I would guess that my friends would be shocked to know I felt that way, because I always appeared to be so genuinely happy.  A lot of the time I was, especially after I met my husband. He is a true gift, and I am so grateful for him.  But, there were those moments of solitude.  The happiness I portrayed then in no way compares to the joy that I feel now. 

So why even bring it up? In the past few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about what God has done for me and how changed I truly am. Not because I have done anything to effect that change - because I haven't.  If that were the case, all the tears and turmoil would have made a dent in how I felt.  It's because of what God did for me ... what He did to me.  I am literally not the same person I once was.  That shadow of a person tucked in the corner of herself - she roams free. My whole being abides in God and Him in me. He was there to pick me up when I couldn't walk or face another day. He pulled me out of my own torment and carried me safely to shore. 

Truthfully, He didn't restore me back to who I was before, either. I am new. I may still have struggles, like everyone does, but my son will never know that person I once was, and I am so grateful for that. So, that is my reason for writing this. 

There is hope in Jesus. There is love in Jesus. There is rest. Peace. Forgiveness. Joy. 

True, unbridled joy, that you have never imagined. 

There is LIFE.

   You will show me the path of life; 
   In Your presence is fullness of joy; 
   At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
                                       -Psalm 16:11

A Moment With The Moon

"Do you want to come look at the moon?"

For my husband to ask this, it had to be good. I jumped up from the couch and ran to the back door.  

It was breathtaking. So clear and bright. I don’t think I'd ever seen anything like it. 

My husband went to bed, but I stayed up and looked at that moon for an hour.  A good portion of the time was spent trying to take a picture of it, but I just couldn't get the camera to focus. It's funny how something so clear was doing its best not to be captured. Finally, after about a half an hour of getting unfocused blobs, I stopped.  I was missing out on this moment. If I would just take it all in – the sight, the smell, the air, I could have more than just the beauty of a picture when I went to bed that night.

It was a perfectly full, whitish-silvery moon.  So clear and radiant, with craters illuminated in different shades of grey and white. The night was not clear, but as the clouds moved across the sky, they appeared to move behind the moon, never obscuring its view, and giving the illusion that the moon was closer to earth than the clouds. It felt like I could reach up and touch it.

A few stars sparkled in the dark blue sky, and every now and then another one would peek its head out from behind a cloud. On this night though, the star of the sky was the moon.

I looked around and breathed in the crisp April air. Although it had not rained in days, it smelled like fresh rain on a summer's night. The bare branches of the trees were drenched in moonlight, and the grass lay quiet, soaking in the beams.  A plane flew in a straight line under the moon, followed by another minutes later, leaving trails of clouds one directly above the other.  In the distance, I could hear the hum of a train moving along the steel tracks. It whistled, and then, silence.

All this from just stopping to look at the moon.  I was struck with more than just the beauty of the night. How often do I really stop and take inventory of all the blessings God provides us? How often do I stop long enough to even recognize them? 

Not nearly enough. 

Standing there, covered in moonlight and breathing in the night air, I thanked God. It was just the moon; nothing myself or so many before me hadn't seen thousands of times, but it was so profound. All the senses filled to the brim and Him at the helm of it all. 

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In everything, give thanks. Not just the moments where you are expected to give thanks, but in the unexpected. In the moments where you are tired or weak. In the moments of everyday chaos, look for those unpredictable opportunities, and give thanks. 

It is not an accident that this world is filled with so much beauty. Everywhere we turn, there is something to be thankful for. We just need to take the time to recognize it. Put away the distractions, life is too short to spend it staring at a screen.    

And remember, never pass up an opportunity to stop and look at the moon. 

Set Me on the Rock

I want to be on that rock

In the midst of the storm

Set me there

The rain pours down

And the winds blow

But I am steadfast and unharmed

I am vigilant and unmatched

For the power of God is within me

He has set my feet upon this rock

And I shall not fear

And I shall not weep

For my God is my strength

So let the winds blow

And the rain pour

I will not move

Not By Might Nor By Power

I didn't get saved until I was in my mid-twenties.  Growing up in this world, there is a constant perception that we have to do it all. We have to manage everything ourselves. Being 'strong' is an asset to be desired, and it shows that you have everything under control. Weakness comes in the form of acknowledging you need a little help. 

God doesn't see it that way. 

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty. -1 Corinthians 1:27

Real might isn't our own strength on display for the world to see, it is God's strength manifested in us, for His glory. In fact, right before the verse above, it says that not many mighty (according to the flesh) are called. Why would we want to rely on our own power, when the God who created the heavens and the earth so freely offers up His strength for us?

Our God is mighty!  His understanding is infinite. With His mighty outstretched arm, He protects, and with the same arm, He pours out His judgement. He has the power to heal the sick and to raise the dead. In Him, we can drink from the unfailing fountain of eternal life. 

We don't have to navigate this world alone, pretending to have it all under control.  Through Him, we can walk victoriously.  Equipped with the armor of God and the Sword of the Spirit, we face this world. A world that Jesus has already overcome; and we do so with the knowledge that we are more than conquerors through Him. 

So, let the weak say, 'I am strong'!  For, He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

Catching Humility

Humility so often eludes us.  It's a silent companion that once acknowledged, vanishes into thin air, leaving pride to rear its ugly head. Pride is such a difficult adversary.  

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6)

So often when we are praised for something, we outwardly ask for it to stop, while inside, we are secretly swallowing the sweet indulgence of it. When we do that, God resists us. It is only when we are completely fixed on Him, and not on ourselves or what we can gain, that we can truly see His grace manifested in our lives. It is always there, that beautiful grace, but we are so careless with it.  We treat it as something that is owed to us.  Such pride. 

James 4:10 says Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.  The word humble there means to depress; figuratively to humiliate (in condition or heart): - abase, bring low, humble (self). In other words, it is when we esteem nothing of ourselves, and when we have gone as low as possible, that we can be lifted back up. Why? Because He must increase, but I must decrease (John 3:30).  That's the whole goal of this Christian walk, isn't it?  To be transformed into someone more like Christ.

Do not be discouraged though, because none of us have completely gotten the hang of this humility thing yet.  God is doing that work in us now. But, seek it.  Seek Him. Have a thirst that can only be quenched by a river of living water.  Life becomes so much more beautiful when we take our eyes off ourselves, and fix our gaze upon our heavenly Father; who ordained the moon and the stars and chose you before the foundation of the earth.

Just Peachy

I was looking at my 21 month old yesterday.  Not just looking to ensure he's in the same room and not putting anything hazardous in his mouth, but really looking at him; studying him. His new thing is to yell 'stomp' as he stomps his feet on the floor and laughs.  When I took his stuffed lion, Simba, and made him stomp, my little ones face changed from total excitement to amazement and wonder. Simba can stomp too?! After a couple minutes of stomping, he placed Simba on a pillow and said 'nap'. How considerate this little boy is. And how good life is right now.  

Life is just peachy.  Yes, I have my everyday struggles like everybody else, but right now my life is so good.

Do I want to go through trials?  No.  Do I want to be closer to God?  Of course.  Sometimes, however, things are not so black and white. 

The bible says:

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. ⁹ Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. ¹⁰ But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. ¹¹ To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:8-11)

Life happens.  Things don’t go as planned (our plan).  As Christians, we are not exempt from trials or suffering – we are told to expect it.  But what do most of us do as soon as we become uncomfortable in our current situation? We ask God to take this cup from us.  We run to Him right away and ask Him to make it better.  James 1:2-4 says

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 

Count it all joy? But, how?  By recognizing that our joy doesn't come from our present circumstances.  By remembering that in His presence is fullness of joy.  By staying steadfast in faith – not faith in ourselves or people around us, but faith in Him.   

I don’t want to go through trials, I really don’t.  But, I do want my relationship with God to grow.  So, if I am going to call myself a Christian, I have to embrace everything that the Bible says, not just the parts that make me feel good.  And truth be told, I sometimes feel closer to God during those difficult times then when life is just peachy.

Life is good right now, and for that, I am so, so grateful.  But, I know that lion is out there.  And I can’t make any promises, but the next time life hands me something that I wasn't expecting, I am going to first try to thank God for whatever He is trying to teach me. Because that lion may be looking to devour me, but my God is so much bigger and stronger than he will ever be. 

The Right Healing

Luke 5:17-25: 

17 Now it happened on a certain day, as He was teaching, that there were Pharisees and teachers of the law sitting by, who had come out of every town of Galilee, Judea, and Jerusalem. And the power of the Lord was present to heal them. 18 Then behold, men brought on a bed a man who was paralyzed, whom they sought to bring in and lay before Him. 19 And when they could not find how they might bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the housetop and let him down with his bed through the tiling into the midst before Jesus.

20 When He saw their faith, He said to him, “Man, your sins are forgiven you.” 

21 And the scribes and the Pharisees began to reason, saying, “Who is this who speaks blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

22 But when Jesus perceived their thoughts, He answered and said to them, “Why are you reasoning in your hearts? 23 Which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Rise up and walk’? 24 But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”—He said to the man who was paralyzed, “I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.” 

25 Immediately he rose up before them, took up what he had been lying on, and departed to his own house, glorifying God. 26 And they were all amazed, and they glorified God and were filled with fear, saying, “We have seen strange things today!”

This must have been quite a scene - lowering a paralyzed man down from a roof in the middle of a huge crowd. Not something you see every day! 

I think it is interesting that Jesus’ initial reaction to this faith wasn't to heal this man’s body, but to forgive his sins. That, of course set the stage for unbelief in the Pharisees and then eventually healing the man … but, His initial reaction was to forgive his sins. That is why He was sent here – to take our place on that cross of judgment. To bear my sins and yours. To give us the ability to come before the throne room of grace boldly in our time of need. 

Jesus knew that regardless of what happens to this body in this life, it is the eternal life that really matters. If, as Christians, our ultimate goal is to be like Jesus, then we should strive to have this same mentality, as difficult as it may be sometimes. We need to put our trust in Him, and Him alone. Not what the world says, or what our flesh wants. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.